Are You Too Selfish?
The balance between positive self-care and selfishness can be a difficult one to get right.
Selfishness is easy to have a natural tendency toward. Often, life feels like a dog-eat-dog situation, and it can seem less complicated to look out for number one: yourself. Indeed, there are times when you are encouraged to care for yourself first, above others. There exists a fine line between self-care and selfishness, though; you might know a person whose footsteps tread heavily in that region of self-absorption. They may start every conversation with “I,” always take the last cookie but never buy a new pack, often seem to be in a drama more sensational than anyone else, and rarely ask how you are. Maybe that someone is even you.
What Does it Mean to Be Selfish?
I regularly help people through challenges and change. “The people I have worked with over time have defined “selfish” as those who repeatedly put their own needs first, to the detriment of others.” I believe, however, that the concept points more to a common human value of respect.
As a community-driven species, mutual respect tends to pay dividends for everyone, and there’s much to be gained from healthy connections. When we dish out respect, we quite rightly expect it back. Who doesn’t want to feel respected in relationships and interactions? Sometimes you need to give people the benefit of the doubt, though-did they deliberately ignore you in the street, or had they forgotten their glasses? A couple of selfish acts could well be mistakes or good old development opportunities, but a repeat offender may not know how to collaborate effectively in some relationships or, in plain speak, may act selfishly.
Effect on Relationships
Being around a selfish person can be draining, and over time it can become an unfulfilling friendship that you feel inclined to let go of. In the case of close family, it can be infuriating and frustrating. For the selfish person in question, it can be hard to understand the cause of lost relationships and why friends eventually become unavailable. If someone is being too selfish, they may wonder why either conflict or distance is impacting a relationship or, indeed, many relationships.
What Causes Selfishness?
Selfishness is motivated by many things. Sometimes a person’s life experiences and circumstances can cause them to build walls or become inward-facing. Mental illness can also be a trigger. Sometimes it’s simply personality differences-after all, everyone is wired uniquely. Scientific research has shown that the activation of the area of the brain known as the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex triggers self-control and can affect whether someone keeps selfish impulses under control. While some may lean more easily into selfishness than others, it’s not to say that it’s impossible to turn back the tide and find a new way of thinking. You can challenge your behaviors (if you want to) and make positive changes.
My past experiences (have) taught me that selfishness derives from thinking that our problems are worse than everyone else’s and no one can understand us. However, if we take the time to reflect and observe other lives around us, we quickly realize that our problems are not more significant; they are just different. There will always be someone else who experiences worse situations than you and I. While it’s important not to fall into overanalyzing yourself or self-sabotage, a little self-reflection can be helpful.
Is Selfishness Always a Bad Thing?
Recognizing the distinction between self-care and being inconsiderate of others is essential. It’s important to define the art of being selfish. From childhood to adulthood, many of us carry an important lesson that being selfish is “bad.” Being selfish means we don’t’ care about others, only ourselves- or so we are told. We have been taught not to be selfish all our lives, but being selfish doesn’t mean you have to be inconsiderate of others or hurt them in the process. Self-compassion or self-love and selfishness cannot exist without one another. They are the two faces of the very same coin. The path to self-love can only be achieved through the art and act of selfishness.
It can be a positive trait when selfishness doesn’t hurt or disrespect another person. The art of being selfish is your ability to attend to the wants and needs of your body, heart, and soul to protect your happiness. No one else can make you happy. Remember that the only person who can make you happy is you. When you focus on yourself, you are taking responsibility for your happiness. Hence, I want you to selfishly take care of your needs and meet them so that you don’t look to others to fulfill your desires. You can’t make your happiness someone else’s responsibility.
Put Yourself First
This statement is often misunderstood and follows the emotion of guilt. Looking after number one is not a bad thing when there’s giving as well as receiving. Negative selfishness is about one-sided transactions, and that’s when being selfish becomes a bad thing. Instead, think of the advice you are given on an aircraft- adjust your oxygen mask before assisting others.
Are you Being Too Selfish?
One of the first steps to spotting the signs is to become more aware. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them honestly.
- What did you do today that could have been too self-centered?
- Is there anything you could have done differently?
- During a recent conversation, was it balanced, or did you speak more than the other person?
- Why was this? Was it a one-off, or does this one-sided style of conversation happen regularly?
Ways to Get the Balance Right
The following suggestions may help you find that fine line between selfishness and self-care.
Understanding
To be blunt, not everything revolves around you. Your own priorities may not necessarily be the same as another person’s; they will have their own challenges and priorities to deal with. Take a moment out to remind yourself of this when you need something from someone else can help ease any frustrations.
Awareness
Be aware of the words you use toward others and of your surroundings. Keep the word respect in mind and pause a little more to think before you speak.
Giving
Be a giver, not just a receiver. This doesn’t need to be of material things only; it can also be time spent listening to someone. Become a good listener as well as a good talker. This will definitely help to make you a much better friend.
Empathy
Taking a moment to think first before judging or weighing in with advice involves empathy. Put yourself in another’s shoes and ask the right questions to understand your friend better or a loved one’s perspective or dilemma.
Acceptance
Don’t live your life only to seek validation from others. It can be easy to yearn for validation and acceptance, which can be a slippery slope to self-absorption. Instead, have faith in yourself and your own abilities- and give compliments to others where they are due. You’ll find they come back on their own.
