The Exhausted Brain

I wanted to take a different direction with writing in today’s blog post. I wanted to connect deeper, be more open and write about things that impact not just myself but many people out there.

Having the courage to lay it all out there, call it “a day in a life of the ordinary,” if you will. To talk about the things most people avoid going there, bringing impactful topics, and maybe some will call it deep! We all have something valuable to share or a story to tell. But society has taught us to fit in. In the way we show up, talk, write, and read about positive, value-add, cool and exciting things.

After all, who wants to bring up topics that require courage, authenticity, and vulnerability to the surface? To do that means you must expose yourself to the world to share what’s on your mind. And if and when you do, you risk facing ridicule, judgment, or rejection; none of these emotions and feelings are worth the trouble it brings to make anyone be up for the task. After all, humans are hard-wired for connection, belonging, and acceptance, so why risk it, right?

They say, “without risk, there are no rewards,” and I would add growth, improvement, or self-awareness to that statement.

What do I mean by the exhausted brain- you know when you have a week, a day, or months of exhaustion piled on from navigating daily challenges that life throws at you! Whether we admit to it or not, showing up to life is not an easy task. The exhausted brain can look or mean different things to different people. There is no one size fits all. But what I know for sure is that a common recurring theme pops up amongst the masses.

Let’s dive into those themes by category; you might notice they sound familiar, or you might be currently living through it in silence or otherwise.

1. Toxic Positivity

Sustaining a positive outlook and using positive language is excellent.

There are a few caveats, however, to keep in mind. Positivity is great, but you must remember not to cross over into toxic positivity. When you take your positive mindset to the extreme by demanding positivity in all situations and refusing to allow or experience negative emotions to surface, this is when toxic positivity occurs. The problem is that it isn’t healthy for leaders or their teams. If we look at it from a leadership point of view, toxic positivity tends to make leaders less open to concerns or feedback as they may be perceived as negative input from team members. For these employees, if toxic positivity is in the work environment, it can be tough to have your voice heard when issues need to be addressed.

 

There must also be a safe space for team members to share negative emotions. There is value to expressing negative emotions in the workplace. They can help businesses in a variety of ways, including:

• Identifying pain points for employees or customers.

 

• They were addressing issues in your company’s culture. If a specific person or group is feeling disrespected or underappreciated, they should be allowed to feel angry or frustrated. Speaking up on discrimination or harassment can be challenging and emotional. Additionally, it would be unfair to expect those who suffer to put a positive spin on their experiences and smile as if all is well.

 

• Working through periods of external or internal change.

 

Sometimes, sensitive subjects must be addressed, whether massive layoffs or significant outside issues, for example, the coronavirus pandemic. It’s okay to approach these with positivity and optimism. Still, you should also acknowledge the fear, sadness, and uncertainty that others may feel and provide them with a place to work through those emotions.

It’s worth noting here that while positive emotions are great, it has been shown that those who feel a more comprehensive range of emotions tend actually to be happier on average. Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean that leaders or employees should be radiating negativity; there’s still a way to acknowledge and address negative experiences or issues positively. It does mean, however, that you should work to avoid falling into the trap of toxic positivity.

 

2. Keeping The Lights On

This category says, “you work to live or live to work.”

When family obligations, bills, and food on the table fall on the shoulder of one family member or, at times, both. When the sight of retirement is nowhere near, the continued rat race is the only path in sight. When life challenges that bring on the emotional downward spirals overwhelm the upwards spirals moments. In case you are wondering about the downward spiral emotion, those are.

• Boredom, pessimism, frustration/irritation/impatience
• Overwhelm, disappointed, doubt, worried, blame
• Discouragement, anger, revenge, hatred/rage, jealousy
• Insecurity/ guilt/ unworthiness, fear/ grief/ depression, powerlessness, and victim mentality.

 

And the upwards spirals are the ones you want to feed in your life to keep your sanity and lights on.

• Joy/ knowledge/ empowerment/ freedom/ love/ appreciation (gratitude)
• Passion
• Enthusiasm
• Positive expectation belief
• Optimism
• Hopefulness
• Contentment

 

In reality, your emotions give you precise feedback on where you are in relationship to your inner being or source of love and awareness. So, check where you are on the up/down spiral scale. Which beast are you willing to feed?

 

3. Burn Out

Burnout can be described as mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion caused by prolonged and excessive stress. When burnout appears in the course of employment, it can make one feel emotionally drained and unable to function in work and other aspects of life. Fighting against keeping your job or prioritizing your health, mental well-being, and time with family threatens your quality of life. And the only way to reclaim your power, your time, and your health requires you to have the courage to create boundaries and have the guts to say “no” more often, choosing yourself over and over and making time for self-care in your life as your number one priority and job is last.

 

Do your career aspirations, your passion, and your employer allow you? Do you dare to step into being rather than the doing? Can you make room for more “no” in your life? When will enough be enough for you?

 

Knowing what you are giving up or sacrificing to get where you want without projecting, punishing, or retaliating.

 

4. Purpose

I find this a tough category to tackle because, when you know exactly what your purpose is, a shift in life takes you down a different path- one that you were not prepared for or expected would throw you in a loop. And then what?

You find yourself stuck and only going through the motions, trying to come up for air, leaving you to continue doing what you know and comfort with over and over.

 

The longer you stay where you are, the feelings of not knowing and not being able to step into one purpose that makes sense in your life drive you deeper into a hole of unfulfilled dreams and goals.

 

Deep down, you know you are struggling within because you know there is a battle inside, and it must be won to get over to the other side where all dreams and purpose are discovered, where calculating risk-taking is the only way out. You must give up one thing to pursue another. How willing are you to get to your North star?

 

The deep satisfaction of living well is living a life of meaning and purpose where you are living your purpose. Purpose can be a big and grandiose term, but let’s break down the formula for purpose: your skillset + what you love + what serves the world [that is the sweet spot].

In reality, what you are meant to do shouldn’t be easy. But it should be fulfilling and filled with forwarding motion.

 

5. Four Tasks of Mourning

As universal as grief is, it remains something that is still little understood. At some point, we will all grieve and mourn a loss in our lives. That is, unfortunately, a certainty.

 

But what is uncertain, though, is how we will grieve. It’s also uncertain how long we will mourn. And there is also uncertainty about how we will cope as we make the journey through grief while trying to find a path toward healing. In the real world, grief isn’t as simple as a list of steps or stages, and everyone grieves in their unique way.

A Harvard Medical School professor of psychology, J. William Worden, proposed the idea of the Four Tasks of Mourning. This was noted as an alternative to “stages of grief.” Worden’s book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, explains this model in depth.

The main idea behind the Four Tasks of Mourning model is that grief is work. An article states Worden’s theory “requires commitment and active participation on the part of the person who is grieving, and…on the part of those who wish to help them.”

 

Professor Worden’s model is meant to be observed as flexible. In effect, each task of the mourner can be approached at any time and in no particular order. Some psychologists state mourners must complete each “task” several times throughout their life. Think of Worden’s model as a grief map or a tool for guidance to help avoid getting “stuck” in bereavement and risk developing complicated grief. The following describes each of Worden’s Tasks for Mourners.

Task 1 — To Accept the Reality of a Loss

It feels unreal when faced with a death, especially when a sudden or unexpected loss occurs. And it can hit us on many levels. For example, we might rationally accept the fact a loved one is no longer with us, but deep down, emotionally, we don’t. Acknowledging the new reality is an essential foundation for healing.

So how do mourners complete this task? Rituals often help. Acts such as viewing the body, helping plan the funeral or memorial service, or scattering a loved one’s ashes are all ways that help move us closer to acceptance.

Task 2 — Process Grief and Pain

This task states that a mourner should allow themselves to feel. When we grieve, there’s no telling what emotions we might feel. Grief exists on a large spectrum. There will be sadness, pain, fear, anger, helplessness, guilt, and other feelings.

The critical thing to remember about this task is that you can’t avoid these emotions. Some people try to put them off or avoid them. They might pick up extra hours at work, try to refrain from crying, or even pick up other unhealthy habits.

Worden’s model states we shouldn’t avoid our emotions but rather express them. By acknowledging how grief makes us feel and being open about these feelings, a mourner can better work through these complex feelings.

Task 3 — Adjust to the World Without Your Loved One

After a loss, we must adjust to our “new realities” of life without our loved ones. This task requires changing externally to the world but also internally to new emotional and spiritual needs.

The adjustments also vary depending on our relationship with our loved ones. For example, someone who has lost a spouse will have extra responsibilities as a caregiver around the house. This requires external adjustments. But a recent widow or widower will also have to adjust to living alone or doing things alone. This requires emotional adjustments.

Worden notes these adjustments are not easy and will take time. But working on this task helps us to understand our new role in the world better, as well as helps us realize the impact that the loss has created in our lives.

Task 4 — To Find a Connection with the Deceased While Embarking on a New Journey

This task means finding a way to remain emotionally connected to our loved ones. This helps reaffirm that our relationship with a loved one didn’t end at death. There are many ways to do this. It could be creating a physical memorial connection, such as a memorial photobook, memorial jewelry, or another keepsake item. Or it could also be a ritual, such as hosting an annual memorial dinner in their honor or visiting the gravesite at particular times of the year.

Creating this connection is essential because we can maintain our relationships with our loved ones even as our lives continue to change.

 

6. Stories

The stories we tell ourselves are endless, and most have negative impacts. Whether childhood stories we carry or news we create. Our minds are battlefields; what we feed grows within, whether it’s done intentionally or unintentionally. What is within us is within everything. When we step outside the parameters of ourselves and realize the power within us once we understand this truth.

This shift in awareness may seem small, but it has profound consequences. Cleaning your mental mess, as you can’t change your story, but you can change what it looks like inside of you and how it plays out in your future. Where your mind goes, your life follows.

An unmanaged mind may be what’s holding you back. Tune in, get curious, unravel the stories, pause, unclutter the mind, heal the self with compassionate inquiry, and recreate what serves and nourishes your mind.

Living an intentional, well life requires knowing who you are (50%). Knowing what you want (10%)? And learning how to achieve it (40%)

 

7. Transformation

In social media, we see others’ transformations, but we rarely hear about the process it takes to create transformational change in someone’s life. And at times, we read some magical story of how a person got from point A to B, and somehow it paints quickly and actionable steps to take or follow, with a promise of a peaceful landscape that awaits.

 

Hard truth: transformation is deep, dark, messy, and hard; it’s a journey without a final destination. Our most extraordinary transformation happens through our most challenging times. It’s an ongoing process that tends to appear ordinary when something special happens deep within.

 

To transform and elevate, you may be required to go it alone. You will have people and things removed from you so that you can search within and find your power. Trust that you’re being directed towards peace, healing, and growth during this period.

 

8. Conflict

Conflict is seen as the struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands. Organizations require conflict to operate. Common conflicts include making a trade-off between two priorities, identifying a gap or a risk in a plan, and giving someone feedback that they don’t want to hear.

 

We tend to disklike conflict, especially in our in-groups. We are biologically wired to get along with those in our group and are raised to be polite. The culture and norms of organizations often discourage overt conflict; the result is that we usually avoid conflict or drive them underground.

Organizations require conflict, and Humans run from it. The result is conflict debt.

Conflict debt is the build-up of issues that should have been addressed but go undiscussed and unresolved. There are multiple ways to get into conflict debt:

• You can avoid the issue altogether, taking it off the agenda
• You can discuss an issue but avoid the opposition by talking only with like-minded people
• You can discuss an issue with the right people but avoid friction by keeping the discussion superficial and safe.

How many of us have been there? My guess would be many can relate. Facts don’t solve fights. It would be great if you had the emotional data and the values insight to resolve a conflict. The secret is to speak their truth before you express your own.

The other person doesn’t feel heard, seen, or understood when we don’t listen effectively. Effective listening helps you figure out what treasure their castle is protecting. Poor listening causes them to fortify the wall and fire arrows through the battlements.

Also, adding to conflict, when you invalidate someone, they experience you as an adversary, become more assertive and combative, or channel their concerns into passive-aggressive form. Validating causes them to come to the wall and engage; invalidating causes them to take up the drawbridge and prepare for battle.

When you start a conflict with statements and assertions, the other person feels less sense of agency in finding a solution, perceives your position as a target to aim at, interprets it as you not having confidence in their solutions, doesn’t have a path forward if they disagree with you.

Effective questioning helps you engage as allies; a statement can signal that you’re willing to be adversarial. Listening, validating, and questioning will neutralize an unhealthy conflict before it begins.

 

Final Thoughts

Finding peace is about meeting life, regardless of what arises, with a responsive and open heart. It is, in fact, the steadiness of mind and a calm understanding that allows us to be with our world as the landscape is constantly shifting and changing.

Peace does not mean indifference or apathy; instead, it is a spaciousness of mind that empowers lovingkindness, and compassion, supports us in action and reminds us that we are, in truth, not as alone as we sometimes feel.

To support and uplift, relieving the burden of overwhelm, trauma, grief, and pain through the benefits of mindfulness and compassion. This is a practice for our challenging times—one of conflict, frustration, and uncertainty.