Validation and Courage of Conviction
Instead of seeking validation from others, take a moment to look inward to find a sense of self-worth. Here’s how to stop outsourcing your confidence.
While the dictionary defines confidence as feeling sure of yourself and your abilities, some high achievers have another understanding of what it means. They believe it will come once they get another qualification or reach their next goal. Many will wait for approval from someone they consider superior or more experienced before they feel good enough.
In many ways, desiring external validation is normal and gives a person a boost, but it cannot replace their belief in themselves.
This poses a big question: Why are we socially conditioned to value external validation more than our approval? The answer lies in evolution. According to some organizational behavior psychologists, “Homo sapiens emerged some 200,000 years ago, yet according to evolutionary psychology, people today still seek those traits that made survival possible then: for instance, an instinct to fight furiously when threatened and a drive to trade information and share secrets.”
Path to Acceptance
Similarly, being part of a group was necessary for living and hunter-gatherer ancestors. And while the world has changed since then, that instinct to fit in is hardwired. What was once essential for survival has evolved into cultural normality. “One of our more enduring social misconceptions is the idea that what others think of us matters; while this notion has primal evolutionary roots, its shift from survival instinct to social imperative has become a formidable obstacle to self-acceptance.” Says psychotherapist Michael J. Formica.
Gaining confidence is not a matter of eliminating your desire for external validation. It’s about making a conscious effort to start accepting who you are so you feel safe to be yourself. I have learned that validation is part of being interdependent and relying on the feedback and encouragement of others around us. Even very independent people still need this in some aspects of their lives. However, they can also accept their self-validation if they don’t get it from someone else.
Remember: the confidence you are seeking is inside you, and it’s growing stronger every moment that you place your focus on it.
Find your Inner Power
There are simple ways to help you cultivate your self-confidence, a good start.
- Get to know yourself
Go on a self-discovery journey. Learn who you are rather than who others think you should be. It’s not about labeling yourself; it’s about gaining awareness and permitting yourself to move through the world in that way of being—an excellent way to start with asking yourself some of these questions.
- What lights you up?
- What depletes you?
- What are your natural strengths?
- What are your weaknesses?
- Don’t try to be perfect
Know that being confident isn’t about being right or perfect. Try to be compassionate toward yourself when you are neither of those things. Your confidence is not dependent on a specific result or outcome, and it’s not about being in control. It’s deep-rooted knowledge that you are always enough, even when you make a mistake or don’t feel your best.
If you hear that inner voice of yours telling you that you’re not at your best, replace that voice with one that says, ‘I am enough.’ Repeat this every morning and evening until it’s baked in your brain and your mind accepts it. I am enough, and I have enough. I have been and will always be enough.
- Don’t underestimate your capabilities.
The mind can run wild thinking of the potentially unfavorable outcomes and the various what-ifs. The next time this happens, remind yourself that you’re talented, capable, and resourceful.
You’ve survived bad days, losses, let downs and created many opportunities for yourself. Most importantly, you are capable of experiencing negative emotions and allowing them to pass, which is part of the human experience. What do you believe about yourself and your abilities? Are they valid? What would your friends or family think of them?
- Learn to refuse
Doing this for something that isn’t right for you is one of the most confident things you can do. When you come across something that makes you feel small, and you say no, you feel that it doesn’t honor your values or doesn’t work for where you are in your life right now, you are saying that you value yourself and your time.
- Trust yourself
The next time you think about changing your answer to please someone or watering down your message to appeal to more people, take a moment and remember you are on your own path. It might look different to your friends, colleagues or the one your parents chose but that is perfectly normal. Keep following your curiosity and trust what’s unfolding in front of you.
- Focus on something that you desire
Maybe you want a specific lifestyle, a travel opportunity, or a successful career. Try to think of something that excites you but also scares you a bit. This vision will require you to expand into a bigger, more self-assured version of yourself, and you will need the courage to get there.
- Be quietly confident
You might think the most confident person in a room is the loudest, most charismatic individual with lots of people around them, but that’s rarely the case. It’s often the one who has a calm sense of peace and doesn’t need to prove who they are.
Final thoughts
Start taking small steps beyond your comfort zone and watch your confidence grow as you show yourself how highly capable you are. Remember that the more you believe in yourself, the more others will. As your confidence increases, you might notice others look to you for answers and offer you a new level of support.
It’s also possible you will feel more at ease with people you were once nervous around. Compliments ad encouragement from others are great plus points when you already feel good about who you are.
