The Gentle Art of Getting it Wrong
Do you find yourself or others around you making statements like, “this presentation didn’t capture the message; I would have done it or captured it this way.” Or maybe, “oh, the color is just not right; maybe adding a little bit of yellow would help.” Do you see where I am going with this? Do you always find the need to control how things unfold? Or do you watch in awe as it unfolds?
Like Carl Rogers, a psychologist, says, “like sunsets, we’re becoming. It’s the process that makes us wonderful and perfect, even if we need or think we need a bit of editing at any given moment. Perhaps, this is why photos of sunsets are often disappointing. The unfolding captures our hearts, but our pictures are still. It might also be why we can differ in the moment of perfection.”
Some of us feel most moved by the promise of the sky’s early rosy tones, while others are dazzled by the intensity of its peak.
Present Imperfect
Perfection is elusive. We know it and desire it anyway. Artists probably know this better than anyone. They have a passion for drawing and painting all sorts of things from a young age, but all they draw, they think it’s nothing worth taking into account. They continue the art of perfection; they keep painting and drawing more, but nothing measures up to them becoming “real painters” in their eyes. It’s just not there yet! The truth is, will it ever be there?
If these experiences teach us anything, one person’s perfection will almost certainly seem flawed to another. The paradox of imperfect perfect makes intuitive sense because we experience it in nature every day. As Alice Walker said, “In nature, nothing is perfect, and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, yet still beautiful.” This applies to people we love all the more for their scars, sorrows, and terrible jokes.
You’d think there would be a handy phrase to help us pass on this wisdom, but instead of “imperfect is perfect,” we have “practice makes perfect.”
Perfection Myth
“Practice makes perfect” is a story we’ve been telling one another for a decade. According to a 2014 survey of childhood wisdom conducted by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in the United Kingdom, it’s the most influential saying passed from adults to children.
Can you remember the first time you heard the phrase? Could you guess how many times you have heard it in your life? I can’t because I lost count! You might say it too from time to time. I do as well.
The phrase is so neat and has such pleasing symmetry and alliterative flair that it slips under our truth radar unquestioned. So, what hope is there for the rest of us?
The things we say over and over again have great power. Like a prayer or mantra, an oft-repeated phrase echoes inward, shaping our belief system, and outward, influencing others and the world we share. If we practice and don’t achieve perfection in what we do, or worse, in who we are, we’re likely to feel discouraged at best.
Over a while, our small failures can snowball into self-doubt, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, and fear. The gentle art of getting it wrong means knowing our efforts will be imperfect and trying anyway. Somewhere in the process, we will experience something akin to perfection when we least expect it.
Seven Ways to Practice Imperfection
At first, embracing imperfection might mean not trying our best, but it’s more about being kind to yourself in pursuing goals or undertaking new tasks. The ways of being outlined here are truthful and nonjudgmental. Recalling and using them can help you feel more able to meet complex tasks and situations. If being vulnerable or accepting is too hard today, practice self-compassion. Put your feet up, grab a hot cup of coffee and a good book, know you need this space, and don’t feel guilty about it.
- Vulnerability: look beneath your perfect
It’s vulnerable to make an effort. Sitting for an exam, meeting someone new, repairing a punctured relationship vulnerability because we don’t know what will happen when we begin. We hope for success, whether it comes dressed as an A-grade or compliment. However, there’s every chance we will end up with a burned pan or a flat tire. But a triumph is not the point. As author and professor Brene Brown say, the more we “show up” and “step up,” the greater our courage and resilience. And when we shift our focus from the illusion of perfect success to imperfect grounding experiences, we feel more able to risk vulnerability and encounter more of what life offers.
- Enough: the present is all you need
When looking for wisdom on the art of moderation, the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations is a series of personal writings that are honest, humble, and kind. He wrote about grieving the loss of his wife and how life is short, to get what you can from the present thoughtfully and justly. As a stoic, he practiced “unrestrained moderation” in all life’s sensory and material pleasures, valuing a clear head and self-restraint over excess and indulgence. He wrote, “very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself in your way of thinking.”
- Reaching Out: perform random acts of kindness
Doing good is good for you. Random acts of kindness help other people and can also improve personal well-being. People taking part in studies of altruism say they feel physically healthier, less stressed, and happier due to volunteering. The trick is to do good deeds without fuss and in moderation. If we advertise our kindness, we may unconsciously seek the reward of praise, and if we overdo it, we might start to feel resentful and unappreciated. The Dalai Lama described altruism as a seed that, when cultivated, will blossom into forgiveness, tolerance, and confidence to overcome fear and insecurity.
- Intention: toward what are you pointing your power?
You can do anything, but not everything. This should be your new mantra; trying to do one thing perfectly is enough to compromise self-esteem, but trying to do many things perfectly is impossible and can only result in stress and failure.
- Thankfulness: notice the small perfections in each day
Whether a butterfly at your widow, a call from an old friend, or a walk on a beautiful day. Being thankful runs so much deeper than politeness. In recent years, the distinction has been made by using gratitude to denote a more deliberate practice of thankfulness. We know from research that people who practice gratitude regularly notice an improvement in their mood, sleep, physical and mental well-being, resilience, patience, and relationships.
- Acceptance: let the light in
Life is filled with suboptimal moments; raining summer days, missed trains, broken washer or dryer, and broken mugs being a few of the more trivial ones. Resigning ourselves to a life of these moments is awful. Tolerance buries sadness or anger that may harm us later; as for understanding, accidents happen. There is no use throwing our hands in the air and dwelling. “Why did this happen to me? Why, oh why?”. By describing the forces that rock us and recognizing them for what they are, without resignation, tolerance, or understanding, we can choose how we respond and allow ourselves to find peaceful acceptance. As musician Leonard Cohen says, “There is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.”
- Self-compassion: there is no flow without ebb
The first six practices on this list require some effort, and this is only possible when the foundations of self-compassion have been laid first. This final practice is for other times. The occasions when we falter, go inward, or ebb. This is a period for self-compassion, which will look different to each of us. It might be a bath, a long walk, a duvet day, a quiet movie, a night out, or a talk with a friend.
The point, as American Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chodron teaches, “isn’t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal… it starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves.” It’s about embracing all those perfect imperfections.
The question remains- do you dare practice the gentle art of getting wrong and applying self-compassion from start to finish? What are the results?
