Fear and Emotional Pain that Comes With Change
Do they happen together or come to us in stages when events occur? Is all change lousy change?
I have decided to write this one on fear and emotional pain that comes with change, focusing on the mixed emotions they bring and how to cope with them, as I have shared some real-life experiences in previous posts.
I spent most of my life trying to protect myself from emotional pain, hiding my fears and pretending that I could manage them with each change or life event. For someone who went through such trouble to show people how resilient I can be, I have learned nothing from my past hardships until very recently.
To keep it short, I will give a brief breakdown of fear and emotional pain from change and their effects on the lessons learned in my life. Living in a country with severe political issues already, followed by the pain of my father’s death at eight years old and living in survival mode, one would assume I would be a pro at handling change, pain, and fear. Each time there was a change, each time there was fear or discomfort, it was followed up with a survival mode ‘suck it up’ mindset implanted in my brain. The result was that my ability to properly navigate the emotions of fear and emotional pain from each transition would fail for many years to come.
“A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we must be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong
I have struggled repeatedly every time my life was affected by the change, or pain, which invited fear into my heart. When you think about it, we don’t always recognize our thoughts about emotions that well while at the moment. Unless you are entirely mindful 24/7 and have self-reflected on the events that were past or are currently happening, dealing with your feelings while under the stress of change is difficult for any of us to manage alone. As the saying goes, “everything happens for a reason” I genuinely believe in that statement. However, it’s always easier said than done to understand and process methodically ‘at the moment!
Can you go through change without pain or fear? Can you do fear without change? Can you feel pain without change or fear? I don’t believe so. They all play a part, either all the time or at once, in our personal & professional life.
Change is inevitable, and it’s all around us. It’s moving to a new country, joining a new company, moving to a new house, children growing up and leaving their parent’s nest, a new relationship/or marriage, etc. I know that there are two sides to change, positive & negative. How you choose to cope with it affects your outcome and views on the change you are experiencing.
I must admit that currently going through a change, leaving an organization that I was familiar with its culture and people to join a new organization, has not been an easy one, or a walk in the park. It explains why people working longer than five years in a company don’t jump ship that easily. It’s not just about the pension. As most people explained, it’s about shifting from everyday comfortable shoes to a new pair that will take so much effort to break in. We are creatures of comfort, and when, after a few years working, given the option of leaving the company, you will not do so as you are already deeply ingrained with the culture and co-workers. Most employees will leave because of a bad boss, but most will stay because of social circles within the company.
Change forces you to stretch yourself. It challenges your knowledge and skills and tests your patience. Another thing change does – is it humbles you down to the core. It’s not about what you know or what you have accomplished already. It’s about how quickly you can learn with an open mindset versus a closed one. Change has one more quality in common with pain. It tests your stamina and brings a vulnerability to the surface.
Fear is another emotion we can experience during change or emotional pain. We are being hurt in a relationship, fear of losing someone, fear of failing at a new job, fear of transitioning from being out of our comfort zone, and fear that brings shame, to name a few. When you fear the pain and the change, you miss all the opportunities that present themselves to you. Fear delays you from taking risks, challenging your ability to grow. It has the opposite effect of moving forward. Fear paralyzes us. Our society taught us that fear is shameful and a sign of weakness, but we know that if channeled right, it produces perseverance and character.
“Of all the things trauma takes away from us, the worst is our willingness, or even our ability, to be vulnerable. There’s a reclaiming that has to happen.”
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong
The lesson I keep learning is that I can’t outrun fear to accomplish anything. I must face my fears head-on and hope for the best (relocation to a new country, buying a place, changing jobs, having children, having a cancer scare, losing loved ones, etc.). We are here on this earth for a purpose, and to get to our destination, we must go through all the complexity of emotions which is part of the refining process of who we are meant to be.
Pain tends to bring all sorts of emotions to the forefront, with anger being the most common. Some discomfort is good for you! I know it sounds crazy, but you can’t make it through life without pain, and to reach contentment, peace, and joy, you must go through the pain to get to the other side. Some pain brings out the worst in people, of course. But if you take a moment and look closely around you, everyone has a story involving pain, losses, regrets, failures, or addictions such as food, alcohol, drugs, or sex.
When I reviewed my list, change, fear, and pain all have shame and anger in common, which places us in a vulnerable state. In a society that does not like to talk about shame or feelings of vulnerability, we are taught to suck it up and get a thick skin. In most cases, the cycle repeats itself, leading us to teach our children the same. Don’t talk about emotions; there is no place for feelings in the real world. You need to show you are strong and hide weakness; you need to be a fighter, and you need to be resilient.
Resilient? Do I need to be resilient? Did anyone stop and ask themselves how one becomes resilient? Technically resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties and toughness. The more challenges you have, the quicker your ability to spring back. The key words here are ‘spring back.’ How does one spring about? With a stiff upper lip, you can bury the event or fear, get back on your feet, and move on. This way is much faster, as many have shown, but, in the end, it will prevent you from experiencing deeper emotional connections.
But if you go through the ‘tougher road,’ facing the pain, changes, fear, vulnerability, showing up, and being seen. The sheer act of leaning into despair and the willingness to face that uncomfortable situation head-on ultimately gives you the strength to spring back stronger and deal with the situation should it occur again.
Nobody who breathes will tell you it was easy. It will always be harder to build resilience properly. Once you have dealt with the pain, not buried it, dealt with the fear, not to be kept hidden, you will transform to become a person of incredible strength inside.
I would love to share two amazing quotes by Dr. Brene Brown. Her message and her books have helped me a lot; her research on shame, for example, has made a tremendous impact on me:
Lastly, if you can try to put into practice the Ten Guideposts for Wholehearted Living listed below: by ― Brené Brown, Rising Strong
- Cultivating authenticity: letting go of what people think
- Cultivating self-compassion: letting go of perfectionism
- Cultivating a resilient spirit: letting go of numbing and powerlessness
- Cultivating gratitude and joy: letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark
- Cultivating intuition and trusting faith: letting go of the need for certainty
- Cultivating creativity: letting go of comparison
- Cultivating play and rest: letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth
- Cultivating calm and stillness: letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle
- Cultivating meaningful work: letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to”
- Cultivating laughter, song, and dance: letting go of being cool and “always in control.”
Hopefully, you will find it a helpful coping mechanism for whatever you are facing in the present, past, or future.
