What do you expect if your executive wears multiple masks and is toxic?

As a leader, you will need to address toxic behavior in the workplace, but what if the toxic behavior was from the leader themself?

I want to share a story with you I had heard over lunch the other day with a former colleague, now a good friend. She wanted to talk about a challenging situation that she was finding very hard to handle, causing her to have anxiety attacks and sleepless nights.

The Story Begins

The highlight of the story was that her executive was accusing her of disrespecting him in front of his team. As an aside, she had mentioned that her boss referred to his direct reports as his team and her separately as the assistant in front of them.

She then went on to tell me about her first out of town team event where her boss had claimed to his direct reports that she (my friend) was drunk and called him “an f-ing drunk that won’t remember anything the next morning” in front of the group. Needless to say, she was horrified as she did not recall saying any such a thing whether drunk or not. Fact is, because it was her first time with the group, she chose not to drink to excess and just keep it social.

She had tried to reach out to some of the teammates that night to get to the bottom of the issue at hand without any luck. No one would give her the time of day. Most of her teammates were males, with the exception of two females who did not want to get involved or offer her support to avoid the crossfire.

The executive had ended the evening with a speech on the bus ride back to the hotel, announcing that someone would get fired come Monday morning, and they would all hear about the news. Being that this day was close to a long weekend, the meeting landed on the Tuesday instead, where my friend was given a final warning and put on a 30-day performance review without any prior history of insubordinate or non-performance behavior.

The Write Up

My friend then listed what she was being written up for:

• Drunk on a team-building trip – She kept to a moderate amount, though everyone was drinking heavily with profanity-laced comments and team members helping other team members to walk.
• Her physical demeanor and body language was authoritative – my friend could not get anyone to explain what that meant.
• She was accused of not remembering what she had said, which must either be a result of mental illness, a mood disorder, or some other impairment of some sort. Apparently, there were witnesses who heard her call her boss an “f-ing drunk….”

My friend felt that she was being punished for holding her ground when she was harassed earlier by her executive for not smiling enough and not taking part in the many shots drunk by the guys.

The original plan that Tuesday was not to give her a final warning but to fire her. The HR manager directed otherwise as this matter was unrelated to her performance, and her history had a clean slate with the company. He then reluctantly (confirmed later by the HR manager) settled for writing her up and putting her on notice.

Frustration Sets In

Her frustration throughout this ordeal was that she was made fun of throughout the team-building trip and her character and demeanor were attacked all while taking it with a smile.  Assumptions and accusations were thrown around in the name of jokes and humor, all led that evening by her executive and his male direct reports.

She had noticed things on that trip that, while she had heard rumors about earlier, were actually coming true. Her executive had always used work events as an opportunity to celebrate with the team and acting unprofessional with undertones of misogyny was a common occurrence in the circle of males. She had not realized until that trip just how deeply ingrained in the DNA of the organization’s culture it had been.

By this point of her story, I could see she was visibly shaken. She told me, “I’ve had enough. I want to quit, but every time I think of that, I think to myself, he wins.” She went on, “The job pays well, it’s close to home and I like the projects I am working on. I don’t want to leave yet. I need your feedback on what I just told you.”

I asked my friend to consider doing a few things before she decided to move on. I am sharing some of them with you here:

• I asked her to consult a labor and employment law lawyer before she signed anything.
• I asked if she could remember everything that had taken place during her team-building trip: what was said, who said it, and the context of what it was about, and in front of whom, and then to proceed to write it all down.
• I asked her if she had noticed a different change in behavior, and treatment from her executive and the rest of the team members who were in attendance during that trip right after the event was over. (She did notice a change in treatment towards her; she felt gaslit by the group.)
• I asked her if HR was present during her meeting with her executive, she confirmed HR was not present during that meeting where she was bullied and threatened with the loss of her job (though she did mention she had recorded the meeting; more on that later).
• I asked her, after calming down and thinking through this, if she considered this organization a place to work? Did she see the potential for growth, respect, trust, team support and team accountability?

According to the word around the office, the executive was a top “producer” and was well regarded for his business results and substantial contributions in terms of making things happen, including recently cutting operational costs to appease stakeholders.

My friend mentioned that while there was restructuring going on at the head office where she worked, no travel or party or extracurricular events were canceled for the senior leaders. Additionally, all high-dollar meals and alcohol purchases remained untouched, yet when she went to plan a staff event, she was told to curb all expenses, including office supplies. It was as if the “old boys club” or the “guys circle” didn’t need to follow the rules. All members of this club went on abusing policy without any concern for consequences.

Staying Silent Not by Choice

So, why is it that people don’t share a serious complaint about their bosses to HR personnel or other senior leadership?

There are many reasons they stay silent or eventually leave quietly. In my friend’s case, she was advised to leave by her lawyer if she did not have the money to take him to court. It was either that or stay until he fired her and then with the lawyer, she could go after him.

Either way, he would not back off and ultimately, it was whatever gave her peace of mind. At the time, that was the critical deciding factor. Here are a few other reasons my friend had mentioned:

• They know nothing will be done about the abusive behavior
  • In this case, my friend and everyone else knew that absolutely nothing would be done because he got away with much more before, and no action was taken back then. My friend was asked and chased around to bring forward a formal complaint. She did so; however, nothing was really done. They made her go through the motions of the complaint process so they could have it on their records. Those who handled the complaint looked into it mainly to protect themselves and the business. Regardless, she remained the only person with the warning letter in her file.
• Those who complain will be punished
  • What’s worse in my friend’s case, is the fact that this executive retaliated by removing her from the equation by taking her out of projects or tasks that she was in charge of executing. He also stopped communicating and responding to her email inquiries, making it next to impossible for her to do her job as his assistant.
• They are new to the organization and aren’t confident in their roles to make a complaint where they will be believed, since they are considered relatively new to their positions or fields.
• They are concerned about their careers, personal brand, and work references putting their reputation on the line to correct the wrongdoing. For most of us, especially women, it’s not worth the fight if it means you will lose out, your name will be tarnished, or your career will be destroyed with no chance at landing a new job.
• It’s not the job of the employee to get rid of their work culture of a toxic, abusive manager.

That is the job of the leadership, and if you are a leader and not doing it, or if you are underplaying it because the individual is thought to be a high performer, then you are not successful in your role. You need to be a “toxicity handler” and understand what has to happen when a person underneath you in the hierarchy is abusing their power and hurting others (result or no result, shame on you). Don’t expect employees to come forward and rat out a toxic manager. You are merely naïve and mostly mistaken.

What’s crucial to understand is that many of these toxic, abusive managers will not be open to constructive feedback and will not accept responsibility or accountability for their actions. They most likely won’t engage in the hard work it takes to change their behavior. However, you have a responsibility as a leader to address their behavior straight on, as early and as clearly as possible.

Wounded people wound people, and so many of these abusive bosses are wounded inside. Often, if they get even the slightest inkling that one of their employees has complained about or bad-mouthed them, the job for that individual becomes a living nightmare.

If you find yourself as leader or HR personnel and have said to an employee, “Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was under that manager?” you will need to change your expectation and thinking as well as implement new processes and procedures to ensure you are building a positive, respectful and fair work culture that works for all.

What to do if this happens next in your organization as a leader or an HR business partner?

• Take a pulse of your organization. Measure, with anonymous surveys that are vetted and with proven benchmarking processes, the culture of your organization on several critical criteria, including how your employees feel if they and the people around them think they are treated with respect both publicly and privately.
• Create an open culture where challenge and pushback are accepted.
• Allow for transparency, honesty, trust, and diversity of views to be encouraged and embraced.
• There must be a belief and confidence that abuse of power or bad behavior will not be tolerated and will be addressed immediately. Any and all bad behavior will be taken seriously.
• Build a mentoring community within your organization that will provide new opportunities for employees to obtain influential guidance, support, and help inside and outside their line of business.
• Create a culture of trust, strength, and growth, where all females and males can communicate from a place of strength, free from retaliation. Encourage all employees to speak openly and allow them to express their ideas. Don’t let managers crush those who challenge wrongdoing or the status quo or who represent change and innovation. Build an organization that thrives and embraces honesty and trust in its employees of what happens if you decide to turn your head the other way or “bury your head in the sand,” as the saying goes.
• Stand up to mistreatment and understand the cost when you don’t.

Lastly, as a leader, owner, or HR personnel, you have the power and influence to stand up for fairness and justice and to put a stop to all forms of mistreatment. That includes gender, race, age bias, and discrimination, pay inequity, sexual harassment, narcissistic behavior, toxic communication, and emotional abuse. Remove perpetrators of abuse. Be a role model and enforcer of a no-tolerance policy and take a firm stand on this. Build avenues of communication and support for people who feel they are being mistreated. Don’t go the way of so many current infamous organizations that have made headlines by systematically allowing and sustaining the abuse of others. In the end, stop expecting your employees to rat out their bad managers when they feel afraid to do so. That’s not their responsibility, and it’s too risky for them. It’s your responsibility as a leader to assess and evaluate the work culture regularly and to find new ways to keep employees safe and protected from mistreatment so they and the organization can thrive.

Do you want to know how to identify some signs of a toxic workplace?

• There is too much drama
• Favoritism
• Narcissist leaders who think rules are beneath them
• More people are resigning or job hunting
• Your boss is not “human” or empathic
• Lack of appreciation
• Your gut is telling you something is wrong or it’s not the right fit
• Your opinion doesn’t matter
• It’s obvious you are not given a chance to grow
• They don’t trust you enough to make decisions
• People are treated based on results and metrics
• There’s no transparency
• People are always taking sick days
• Teamwork doesn’t exist
• You get punished for mistakes
• Perfection is the norm
• Working around the clock is the rule
• Micro-managing
• Sabotaging, blaming, and taking one for the team