Warning Signs of Gaslighting at Work

Gaslighting, some may wonder what that means? For quite some time, I could not describe the situation that I experienced in a past workplace. I saw the term explained in an article written by someone deeply impacted and gaslight throughout her corporate career. The individual wrote about her experience in a workplace setting, describing how she was gaslight by her colleagues, superiors, and peers alike for actions purely driven by jealousy and insecurity.

After reading her article, it sounded too familiar to me. Her words have resonated with me that I decided to share my own experience, lessons learned, and understanding of the topic that, once upon a time, was unfamiliar to me. How could I find the words to describe the situation without the fear of people thinking I am crazy. This never happens in a workplace setting; after all, it’s my words against theirs (people in positions of power and authority). You can’t compete, and for sure, the outcome is my loss.

What Does Gaslighting Mean?

According to Wikipedia – Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their memory, perception, or judgment. It may evoke changes in cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs.

What Does Gaslighting Look Like in The Workplace?

As for workplace bullying, gaslighting is when an employee or employees, do or say things that result in colleagues second-guessing themselves and any actions they made that will be ultimately harmful to their careers. The victim may be isolated from group activity or interaction, they may now be the object of gossip, discredited at every opportunity, or questioned on every decision or move in order to take down their confidence. Those who choose to gaslight may skew conversations toward negative perceptions of supposed faults or wrongs that the employee did not do. Gaslighting can be committed by employees, managers or senior members and will especially result in a negative scenario to the employee when the perpetrator is in a position of power.

Warning Signs of Gaslighting in The Workplace

According to Psychology Today, anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize what is happening around them. The damage it causes is tough to pinpoint or understand, causing confusion, anxiety, and significant stress on the victim’s mental and emotional state. Examples of some signs are.

1. They tell blatant lies
2. Their actions do not match their words
3. The project and retaliate
4. They try to align people against you
5. They deny ever said something, even though you have proof
6. They tell others you are a liar
7. They tell you and others you are crazy
8. They throw in positive reinforcement when you are nearing your breaking point to confuse you.
9. They wear you down over time
10. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
11. You find yourself apologizing all the time
12. You feel confused about your responsibilities at work
13. Your perception of reality becomes distorted at work
14. They gossip about you with your coworkers
15. They withhold information keeping you in the dark
16. Using verbal abuse, usually in the form of jokes and say you are too sensitive
17. Trivializing (“minimizing”) your worth
18. They are undermining the victim by gradually weakening them and their thought processes.
19. Discounting information
20. They swear they are taking action on something – when they are doing nothing of the sort.
21. They make a sexist or racist comment only to condemn it when other colleagues do the same thing leaving you to wonder how to proceed and confused.
22. They say it’s OK to skip the social event or the meeting, except it wasn’t, and next thing you know, the same person who permitted you is writing you up.

It is essential to understand the warning signs to begin the process of healing from it. According to philosophy professor Kate Abramson, the act of gaslighting is not explicitly tied to being sexist. However, women tend to be frequent targets of gaslighting compared to men, who often engage in gaslighting.

The psychologist Elinor Greenberg has described three common methods of gaslighting:

• Hiding: hide things from the victim and cover up what they have done. Instead of feeling ashamed, the abuser/bully may convince the victim to doubt their own beliefs about the situation and turn the blame on themselves.
• Changing: They feel the need to change something about the victim. Whether it be the way the victim acts, they want to mold the victim into their way. If the victim does not comply, the bully/abuser may convince the victim that he or she is, in fact, not good enough.
• Control: The bully/abuser may want to control and have power over the victim entirely. In doing so, the bully/abuser will try to seclude them from other colleagues and peers so only they can influence the victim’s thoughts and actions. The bully/abuser gets pleasure from knowing the victim is fully controlled by them.

10 Ways Gaslighting Attacks your Sense of Self

1. It makes you lose your voice
2. Your self-worth decreases (e.g., due to having your character attacked)
3. You have critical memories distorted by your abuser’s/bully perspective
4. You feel powerless in this adverse circumstance
5. You grow to doubt your perception
6. You forget who you are
7. You become disorientated and unsure of what is “real.”
8. You start doubting the validity of your emotions
9. You start second-guessing your past
10. You feel less grounded in the things you usually would

Getting Help

It isn’t always an easy thing to spot gaslighting, especially when it starts in small instances that can mimic other similar behaviors.

In cases of actual gaslighting, the victim will often be treated to a pattern of continued manipulation. The perpetrator will then make multiple attempts to have the victim second guess themselves, doubt themselves, and see things to the perpetrator’s version of reality.

Identifying and understanding that you’re a victim is the single most critical step to seeing that you will need help. It is important at this stage to consult with a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. They can help with any fears or doubts that you are currently feeling as well as understanding the situation you are experiencing or that recently occurred. A professional will help you manage any anxieties or doubts and assist in developing new coping skills.

Some Ways of Dealing with Gaslighting:

1. Take some space from the situation
2. Collect evidence (e.g., notes and date of conversations, screenshot texts, emails, photos, record direct quotes from the conversations)
3. Record conversations using your phone. While there may be laws where you live about using the recordings as legal testimony, you can still use it to inform others about the perpetrator’s actions in that particular interaction or situation.
4. Speak up about the behavior be direct
5. Bring documentation to any meeting you have with your manager or HR.
6. Remain confident in your version of events
7. Focus on self-care (Taking care of your physical and emotional needs probably won’t do anything to address the gaslighting directly, but good self-care can still make a difference by improving your state of mind and help with coping skills)
8. Do your best to avoid meeting alone with this person if at all possible. Try limiting your contact but if you really need to meet, then bring someone along someone who can be trusted and unbiased, or at the very least, ask them to listen in on the conversation.
9. Seek Professional Help – your human resources may offer support

In Summary, gaslighting can isolate you, but you don’t need to handle it alone. Both therapists and hotline counselors can offer guidance based on your specific situation, including safety planning tips and resources to help you handle a crisis or potentially abusive situation.

The key here is to maintain professionalism during the whole process of reporting when gaslighting is going on. It is also critical to stay in touch with those who do know you and will support you through this situation. Your trusted peers, mentors, and friends will give you the strength you need. Keep in mind that there will be times where you will still feel doubt. Remember that the gaslighter will not win and you will not lose your confidence and skills because of the gaslighter.

The reality is, despite my documentation and reporting the bad behavior, I was not able to put a stop to it. The only action that was left to take is to move on to a safe work environment.

The good news is that healthy work environments exist. Given that knowledge, if you find yourself under the gaslight of another, go after new job opportunities if you do not see yourself overcoming due to circumstance. Get out as soon as you can as staying in a toxic environment, working in an office, or even remotely, will stall your career, and most importantly your mental health.